Does Requiring Disclosure Imply I am Controlling?
Morning buddy,
Whew, we simply completed our reside/digital CONQUER convention in Scottsdale and it was wonderful. The Holy Spirit was current and the ladies grew in Resilience. I’m so honored to steer this excellent group of girls. Thanks to your prayers for the occasion. They’re deeply appreciated.
Query: Is it abusive for me to require my husband to share his data with me? I really feel like he’ll spin this request round on me and make me appear like the controlling abuser if I add this to my confrontation letter, however with out this bullet level, I’m fully at his mercy for all monetary planning and my monetary future.
Reply: I want I knew extra particulars about your marriage historical past and the belief that appears to be damaged. Since that is all you’ve written, I might not be as nuanced as you may want.
Let’s break this down. The primary a part of your query is: Is it abusive to require your husband to share his data with you? I assume that is monetary data due to your final assertion being at his mercy if he chooses to not share with you.
Listed below are some preliminary ideas that I’d such as you to ponder: If you’re at a spot the place you should require somebody in a relationship (marriage or in any other case) to do one thing so that you can really feel protected, what does that let you know? Give your self a second to ponder this query. It reveals necessary data that I believe is essential so that you can discover.
I might learn his resistance to sharing his data like this: He doesn’t need to offer you his data. Why? Is he afraid? Ashamed of what you’ll uncover? Or it merely may be as a result of he doesn’t need to construct or rebuild that sort of belief and/or security with you. It could possibly be all or any these issues however they’re necessary to note. And if it’s true, he doesn’t need to disclose (for no matter purpose), what does that imply for you? For the way forward for your marriage?
Can you’re feeling protected with somebody who you require to be trustworthy, devoted, or loving? Does requiring this guarantee he’s trustworthy, devoted, or loving with you? Or does it simply make it more difficult for him to cover what he needs to cover?
Subsequent, let’s transfer on to your concern of him accusing you of being controlling and/or abusive. When somebody calls for, requires, or enforces an grownup to do one thing that they don’t need to do, that’s not a loving relationship. It’s unhealthy and/or poisonous. If you require him to do one thing or be one thing he has no coronary heart to do or be, he’s proper. You’re attempting to regulate him by mandating he do one thing for you that you just consider will provide you with a way of security and peace.
I perceive. You do want security and peace. Nevertheless, while you make another person chargeable for your well-being, security, and peace, you will have given your energy away. That’s why you’re feeling scared and susceptible.
As an alternative of requiring him to do one thing, ask your self what you could do to really feel much less susceptible financially and never fully at his mercy. Perhaps you could test your credit standing to see the place you’re at financially. Or assessment your earnings tax statements. Separate your funds. Perhaps it’s getting extra training, coaching, or a greater job so that you just’re not depending on his earnings if he continues to be deceitful. Perhaps it’s hiring a lawyer to seek out out what you’re legally entitled to in case your marriage doesn’t make it. In the end should you don’t need to be fully at another person’s mercy, you should change your self not him. Requiring him to do one thing that he has no coronary heart to do could offer you a false sense of security and safety for a season, however that doesn’t imply you aren’t nonetheless at his mercy.
When you find yourself not depending on him (or somebody) to be what you want him to be, then you’re free to see who he really is. When your eyes are open and also you see clearly, you’re far more geared up to determine should you can belief him or not.
Wholesome relationships aren’t held collectively by requiring somebody to do or be one thing for you. They’re held collectively by shared values that every embodies with out strain or necessities from the opposite.
Buddy, how have you ever stopped relying on another person to create or guarantee your sense of security or safety and begun to steward your personal?
